"As many as 500 million aliens are living in the United States after taking on human form," says Dr. Paluzzi a physicist and former government UFO expert. "These aliens tend to migrate to earth to satisfy their addiction to BLACK CURRANTS," which the good doctor explained. How do you know if you are married to an alien? Dir Paluzzi instructions, "If you aren't an alien your spouse most likely is." Aliens tend to smell slightly of CANTALOUPE but try to disguise their scent by filing their pockets with DRAGONFRUIT. "Long story short- if someone smells delicious, they probably are an alien"